Dear LinkedIn member,
People look at your LinkedIn profile, and they laugh at what you, in a public forum, have decided to present as your professional identity. Last week, five people (who chose to remain anonymous) scrolled through your hobbies and skills and burst out laughing at each one. When they went over your work history, noting the various part-time jobs and internships you thought would be a good idea to include, they were almost in tears. I mean, come on, you like to play racquetball and you mention “social media” as a skill? What does it mean? You know what Twitter is and you own those weird glasses? Someone give this man a job! Seriously, we hope you actually got a job and aren’t starving to death because you’re incompetent.
Maybe it was a bit harsh. We’re just trying to get you to think about your profile and maybe move on to… Oh my! Have you changed your profile picture in the last decade? Looks like you turned away from a photo you took with your high school sweetheart at prom. Was prom the last time you wore a costume? I may have to sit down for a minute and catch my breath because here on LinkedIn we have never laughed so hard. Seriously, I just sent your profile to the CEO, and he forwarded it to all staff with the caption “Someone connect this guy in the 21st century!
I probably shouldn’t have shared that story with you, now that I think about it. But if that’s what it takes for you to fix your profile, then I think the end justifies the means.
Here are some of the articles people have recently posted on LinkedIn – read them! Don’t you want to know “Eight Ways Candidates Screw Up Their Resumes” or “Twelve Tips to Boost Your LinkedIn Presence?” Doesn’t that sound like something you might want to read?
You should also probably add a few more people to your network. (As we always say, here on LinkedIn, your network is your net worth!) Go through the suggested connections and don’t worry about whether you’ve already given us permission to go through all the emails you’ve just received. because some people are very specific and it’s scary that we know you know them.
Your childhood friend who you no longer talk to because he told your classmates about the Barbie he saw in your room? Add the. The teacher in that class you ditched after a week because you were convinced she was hitting on you? She wasn’t; definitely add. The administrator of the porn site to whom you had to send an e-mail to pay for your subscription? Hey, it could be a valuable professional connection, you never know. Add anyone who is not a fictional character. Add me! In fact, I might not accept your request – it wouldn’t feel so good if you started showing up as one of my contacts.
Either way, if you take these steps, we believe you can become a productive member of LinkedIn and a better member of society in general. Imagine: one day, we could clutter your friends’ inboxes by suggesting that they congratulate you on your work anniversary! But remember – until then, people who paid for Premium anonymity will laugh at you behind the security of their computer screens.
The LinkedIn team